today was the tip test for tkd. no one who reads this doesn't know what that is, so i'm not going to elaborate further on definitions. lately, ive had quite a few setbacks in my tkd training. i did something to my back last semester towards the end, near winter break, which forced me off the mat until late february. due to a training partner's slowness, i rolled my ankle soon after coming back. and of course there is the issue of my knee, which is getting worse and worse with each class i attend. it didnt use to hurt when i walked normally. now it does. so now im back on the mat. i havent been able to push myself very hard because of the injuries, for doing double kicks would kill my back, kicking with my right foot causes a great deal of pain to explode from my ankle, and doing forms anywhere close to "good" makes my knee want to buckle every time. i am in no shape to be doing taekwondo, but i continue to do it, partly because i love it, and partly because of the people there. well, to say that i love it isnt entirely true. its a contensious relationship that tkd and i have with each other. i have done several martial arts in my life already, and ive been rather good at all of them, but tkd is the one that i have the most difficulty with, and because of this i keep at it to prove to myself that i can do it. its my activity of choice because i cant do it. thats the draw for me. the challenge. but i have come to realize that i will never be as good as the good people. i look at all the students who grew up with me in the program, and they are all surpassing me. part of me wants to blame my knee, but the other part yells at me to stop being a fucking crybaby and work harder. i will choose that for the time being. but today, like i mentioned, was the tip test, and when the masters gave their assessment of us, they called me average. i am just like everyone else. nothing sets me apart. i personally was upset with my performance, but my mentor was just as upset, having a good deal of critiques for me to walk away with; more than i had expected. it upset me to think that after 6 long years of training, i have only progressed so much. phong once told me that it doesnt matter to him what belt i tie, and that he sees me as a black belt already. it means a lot, coming from him, but at the same time, i dont think i will ever make it that far physically. i will never be an eric, or a justin, or kenny, or john. and that kills me. i have always striven to be excellent at everything i do, and with tkd, i am nothing but mediocre, and will be nothing but mediocre.
kelly tells me to suck it up. that i have the mind of the black belt, so who cares if my body isnt there. everyone knows my limitations by now. but thats not good enough for me. i cannot settle for anything but the best. why would i want to?
so what did i learn today? i am average. and that i hate being average.
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Oh Piiru. I was walking away from my class today when I saw you on the mat, and I told Phong I was worried because you had said your knee was hurting, and yet there you were, taking the test..
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say, I just want to say something. I feel very much like you, and I know nothing that I say would make a difference in you feeling less mediocre, or cause you to change your masochistic, martial-artist ways and stop beating up your knee, and ankle, and back. I want to say "it's not worth it Ben! Who cares!" But if I were in your shoes, I'd be the same.
But, for what it's worth, you stand out because you're humble. Maybe you didn't start that way, I don't know, but I'm glad you reflect and think and strive to overcome challenges that other people take for granted because 1) they're good enough, or 2) they never end up hurdling over because they lack the will to challenge themselves and strive for impossible perfection. I'm proud of you, however far you go, and I've never noticed what belt you tied. I've always respected your advice and opinions because I respect and admire you. I will always continue to support you too, even if you choose this painful route, because I want you to achieve what you really want. I have to say though, that I am very worried too, and hope you take care.
If I were to channel Phong right now though, I know he'd tell you you were foolish for thinking this way (I know because he tells me this). There's always going to be someone better than you. "Just focus on yourself. Do well, and improve. What matters is how you're doing, not how other people are doing. Who cares about other people." (give or take the last sentence). So that's his side to take in as well. =]
Ice and elevate! Let me know if you need anything, ok?
Hello. One of life's greatest lessons is deciding when the time is right to walk away. Listen to your body. Listen to yourself. Listen to your heart.
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